Stripping Off with Matt Haycox

Kerry Katona: OnlyFans Millions, Cocaine & Being Held Hostage

• Matt Haycox

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Kerry Katona opens up about the darkest, wildest and most misunderstood chapters of her life, from being given speed by her mum at 14, to becoming a millionaire overnight in Atomic Kitten, to the cocaine addiction that nearly killed her. She speaks candidly about being hounded by the tabloid press, becoming a victim of the phone-hacking scandal, losing everything, and rebuilding her life through relentless honesty and reinvention.

For the first time, Kerry breaks down the terrifying night she was held hostage at knifepoint while her children slept upstairs, the domestic abuse she endured, and the trauma her kids witnessed even when they “never saw the punches, just the black eyes” 

This is the real story behind the headlines: the chaos, the survival, the addiction cycles, the brutal media humiliation, and the unexpected comeback that made her one of the UK’s most talked-about public figures, and one of OnlyFans’ top earners.

Timestamps:
0:00 – Intro
1:10 – Coming Up
3:20 – Chaotic Childhood & Abuse
10:57 – Atomic Kitten, Fame & Pressure
23:29 – Cocaine & Addiction Cycles
24:29 – Press Persecution & Phone Hacking
26:41 – Media Hypocrisy & Exploitation
32:28 – OnlyFans & Rebuilding Wealth
35:33 – Losing Millions & Financial Lessons
39:17 – Family, Parenting & Stability
42:50 – Scoliosis & Health
45:36 – Domestic Abuse & Trauma
51:30 – Held Hostage at Gunpoint
54:32 – The Priory, Recovery & Rebuilding
56:42 – Final Thoughts

 Kerry Katona interview, Kerry Katona hostage story, Kerry Katona cocaine addiction, Atomic Kitten original member, Kerry Katona domestic abuse, Kerry Katona OnlyFans earnings, UK celebrity trauma, tabloid press abuse, fame and addiction, rebuilding after bankruptcy, phone hacking scandal, No Bollocks Podcast.

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SPEAKER_04:

My first memory is watching my mum was let risk at the age of three. They never witnessed anything, they'd never seen anything, but they saw the black eyes.

SPEAKER_03:

Carrie Pitona, you had a kind of a troubled childhood to a degree.

SPEAKER_04:

I used to go on the rob with my mum. My mum gave me my first drug when I was 14. That's where a lot of my troubles stem from. I always have felt good enough.

SPEAKER_03:

How did the atomic kit think come about it?

SPEAKER_04:

I had big tits of blonde air. Let's be honest. I became a millionaire overnight. And then when I finally got the fame.

SPEAKER_03:

You talk about the press being horrendous. Did they turn on you then?

SPEAKER_04:

Oh yeah, they put you on a pedal suit. They'll do with everyone, don't they? I'm so convinced this today. The news at World had a headline saying, you know, Carrie's dead.

SPEAKER_03:

Were you ever uh part of the phone hacking?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, it was Prince William, Prince Harry, Carrie Kotona.

SPEAKER_03:

You've mentioned a few times OnlyFans.

SPEAKER_04:

Plug it, plug it, plug it, plug it. No, I'm not giving you mates rate, Matt.

SPEAKER_03:

It's been reported that you're earning half a million quid a month from it. Is that true? Back in 2007, you were kidnapped uh kidnapped, held held hostage at home.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, ballot carvers on one and a butcher's hook, a sledgehammer, and a carving knife. They made me but what a story to tell, eh, Matt! It's been a colourful life.

SPEAKER_03:

How old's DJ now?

SPEAKER_04:

She's nine.

SPEAKER_03:

And and and where's does she ask questions? Does she's only ever known Ryan.

SPEAKER_04:

So she was five when her dad died, but she was four when I was dating when Ryan came into her life. But she hadn't seen her dad for a year.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh so so um he didn't die when you were together, you split over.

SPEAKER_04:

We split up we were still married. He refused to marry me. He refused to divorce me, sorry. So yeah, so George was a very, very disturbing I could split in my face, and DJ started spitting in my face, so she didn't know any different. Um and then he he was he was he was really, really troubled. Really troubled man. But we've known each other since we were 14. And I loved him so much. But it was very it's really weird because I remember saying that's something I'll never forgive myself with my girls. They never witnessed anything, they've never seen anything, but they saw the black eyes, and that's something I'm struggling with to forgive myself for bringing him into their lives because of trauma he's caused to them as well.

SPEAKER_03:

And tell me, I mean, obviously you say you've known for a long time and and the world you were in, those kind of things were a turn onto you back then. Obviously, not having experience.

SPEAKER_04:

If I met Ryan ten years ago, I'd have been bored to tears.

SPEAKER_03:

So so I guess you you're kind of answering that like the opposite question. If you got with a guy now who never noticed, there'll be no dumb on day one.

SPEAKER_04:

I still get scared talking about George. And I'm so angry that he died and just left because he he wanted to kidnap DJ, inject her with heroin, then kill her, and then kill himself. And then you've got like that fucking father, so justice saying, Oh, you're it's like you have no idea what we went through that man. My kids will tell you that. It's been uh horrendous.

SPEAKER_03:

I've got a guest today who I know is gonna provide us loads of banter, loads of fun, and hopefully uh some some great stories. She'll be here any minute and some great advice to Kerry Katona.

SPEAKER_04:

Are you lovely? You're alright, my guy. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_03:

Thank you for coming.

SPEAKER_04:

It's very nice to be here.

SPEAKER_03:

I was gonna say we've I mean we've been talking 10 or 15 minutes before before we started, and there's uh I know there's gonna be so much uh my foster mum said that I can talk a glass eye to sleep, so well I've there's no fear of me being asleep just yet. But listen, you I mean you mentioned your foster mum. I guess that take that takes us right right back to the beginning of life in a way. I mean, let's rewind to uh you know to to where it all began. You had a kind of a troubled childhood to a degree.

SPEAKER_04:

So uh alright. Well, let's see if you can try to keep up. So I'm a product of an affair. So when I was born, the guy who I called dad for two years, his dad I called granddad, right? But my mum left the guy who I called dad for, my granddad and married him. So my dad became my brother and my granddad became my dad. And then when I was seven, my mum left him for a woman. And then I found out that this other guy called Ronnie Armstrong was my dad. My first memory is watching my mum was slit her wrist at the age of three. So my mum had a lot of mental health issues, um, and she slit her wrist up until I was like 17. She was always OD and trying to kill herself, and that's why I've got Molly and Lily on my wrist.

SPEAKER_03:

And sorry to interrupt when you say that that's your first memory, as in you even now you can genuinely call it. That's my first memory, yeah.

SPEAKER_04:

These memories before that, but I will never die of bulging to that. It's something I've not dealt with myself. So that's why I've got um Molly and Lily on my wrist. Uh I have four sex lost parents, three refugees, eight different schools. My mum's fella was a guy called Dave Wheat, he was inside with the craze. We actually got a Christmas card off the craze, and the reason I got put in foster home was because my mum's fella told us he was Freddie Krueger, he stabbed her. I pulled the knife out of her leg. Uh, he wanted to cut our tits and finally off and chop us up and puts in the fridge. And um, and we were in refugees and um foster homes and all kinds of things. Yeah, it was um I used to go on the rob with my mum. I used to my mum gave me my first drug when I was 14. She told me it was Sherbet and it was speed, so I didn't know any different.

SPEAKER_03:

She didn't give you it because you wanted it, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04:

So I was only allowed to have supervised visits with my mum, but obviously I I'm an only child from my mum. And my mum begged me never to go far my real dad, so I wouldn't do that because he was a married mum. And I was in foster home at the time, and my mum moved back up from London, back up north, and obviously, your mum's the centre of the universe. I mean, mum was a lesbian at the time, and she went in the toilets and she was in there for ages. Like, what's she doing? So I followed her in. I'll never forget what I had on. I had a pair of jeans on, I was only 14, I was very, very well developed. These are mine, by the way. And I had a little top on it that said handle with care. And I went in the toilet and she had this bag of white powder. I said, What are you doing? She went, Yeah. She went like that, and rubbed it on my gums, and it was it was speed. So that was something I end up doing with my mum every weekend. I'd save my pocket money up off my foster parents.

SPEAKER_03:

Just going back to that first time you had it. I mean, what what what was it like? What was it like?

SPEAKER_04:

It was great, it didn't shut up. But let's be honest, I've got ADHD anyway, I might fucking ticker on speed as it is, but I didn't know any different. It was, you know, I'd done all the drugs you can possibly think of, and I've had many a great time on drugs, but it it almost killed me. But at that moment in time, I thought, oh, this is great. Because I was brought up in like really rough pubs. I mean, like, I was like where I'm from was really when I say really rough, like my mum wouldn't think twice about bottling you and stabbing you. That's the kind of woman my mum was.

SPEAKER_03:

Um is she still alive today, mum?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, yeah, my mum's still alive, she's still alive and kicking, still drinking every day, but she's still my mother. Uh I don't see as much of her as what I used to, I guess. Um things just change over the years. I'll always love my mum. She's the only mum I've got, she's the only person. There's only her, Dawn and Leslie, in my life who knew me before I was famous. And I had a very voltile relationship with my mum. I was trying to buy her love, and you know, she'd sit there and she go, you know, I don't want to be here anymore because then Dave died. And and so in the end, I went, right, here. I went in the the sh in the bathroom, I took all the tablets. I go on, go on, do it, kill yourself, take them all, take them all. I made her take all the tablets. I went, right, I'll ring an ambulance, I'm going back to my foster parents. I got an exam in the morning. How old were you? 15, that was. I think I was like, Well, what was that when Dave died? 15, I think I was when Dave passed away. And that that's where a lot of my troubles stem from. I always never felt good enough. Like, why does my mum not want to be around for me? And and and it's like, well, all victims are victims. So I'm not gonna go, oh poor me, which I did for a long time, Matt. I lived in a pity party, everyone owed me, it was Brian's fault for leaving me, it was my accountants for robbing me, it's my mum for my childhood. That's gonna get me nowhere. But I can't blame my mum for my childhood because it's made me who I am today, and I wouldn't change any of it. So we are all victims of victims. My mum had a shitty shit ten times worse than me. You know, my kids are victims of me, you know. Even though their childhood was nothing like mine, but just by me being their mum, they get so much shit. So we are all victims of victims, and it's just how we deal with that that makes us who we are.

SPEAKER_03:

And when you say you used to blame everybody else for everything, how how do you look at it now? Do you do you blame yourself?

SPEAKER_04:

No, I don't blame anybody, it's nobody's fault. You it's just things that happened. You've put on a path, yeah. Sitting there, you know, blaming everybody for how you how you turned out is the most self-centered thing you I think anyone can possibly do. I was I was in a self-pity party, you know, everyone it's like nobody owed me anything. No, they there's nothing I can do about my past. There's nothing I can do about it, and I've not made mistakes, they've all been lessons, Matt. I've got no regrets with the drugs, the drink, the bankruptcy, the divorces, because it's made me who I am today, and I feel amazing for who I am, and I'm able to tell my story and help others. I've been completely and utterly misjudged by the press. We all make mistakes, but like back in the day, especially the first divorce with me and Brian, that was just horrendous. That was a massive trigger for me. That was rejection all over again because Brian didn't love me, he loved somebody else, and that for me was like taking me back to my childhood, and then thinking, oh my god, my kids are from a broken home. What am I gonna do? I need to fix it. So I married my mum's drug dealer. I thought I was gonna get it for free, but I didn't. You gotta laugh, Mike, you gotta laugh.

SPEAKER_03:

Let me just rewind a bit to try and try and kick keep a bit of a bit of chronology here. And just just to last question on your on your child. I mean, you went to obviously lots, eight schools, I think you said, and uh multiple uh full schools.

SPEAKER_04:

And my kids have been to a lot of schools as well because I've moved around quite a bit.

SPEAKER_03:

But for when you were you're going to the multiple schools, is that because you were getting kicked out? What why would you have to be a few years?

SPEAKER_04:

No, just because we were always moving around. I didn't, I didn't I didn't have a very so I had seven different junior schools and one high school. I'm dyslexic. I remember going back to one school for a day and I couldn't spell the word orange, I probably still can't. And the kids took the piss out of me because when I'm angry, I put the mic on. I'm like, wanka. Um but when I met Brian, my first husband, and I was pregnant with Molly, he was away on tour, so I taught myself how to read and write.

SPEAKER_03:

But what you couldn't read or write until you were?

SPEAKER_04:

Not very well as no, so when I got an atomic kitten, to bear in mind that so I got put into so when I was in Foster home, I'd awesome tits, and I really, really did. I was excited. So you know, I was this little ways, 36 D chess, and I thought, well, this is my get out. So I wanted to be a page three model because that was all the rage back then. I wanted to be like Samantha Fox, but because I had a court order on me, this some wouldn't print it, so I got the court order lifted, and then when I was 16, I got put into a semi-independence home, and then I got my first flat when I was 17, then I was in a nightclub, Mr. Smith's underage, and then I got spotted, and then I went and met a guy called Andy McCluskey from Orcash or Moves in the Dark, and next thing you know, I'm in a girl band, and two years later I got this massive fairy tale wedding to another boy band member. Life changed overnight like that. I never went looking for it, it found me.

SPEAKER_03:

So, well, you've kind of answered answered the question that I never got to ask, which was how how how did the atomic kit thing come about? I mean, you mentioned you were you were spotted, spotted to be in a band.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, it's just I had big tits and blonde heads.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's be honest, but they didn't know you could sing, you hadn't been doing this.

SPEAKER_04:

I've always sang, I've always had karaoke's, I always knew I was gonna be famous, and like as I'm in my 40s now and I look back and I've had to dissect my life, I think I thought the fame I just wanted to be so desperately loved. That's all I ever wanted. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to make my mum happy, I wanted to make it, I thought if I get this record deal, um, everything will change. So when I met Andy McCluskey, I took out my pay free photograph. I've never been for an audition in my life, sat down, told a few dirty jokes and sang songs, and I have got a good voice. And uh they bass the band around me, and I was a founder member for two months, and I named us Atomic Kitten. We held auditions and I picked Liz McLaren and Heidi Range, who then went on in the Sugar Babes. Heidi and Liz didn't get on, but one of them slapped one or some well, someone slapped somebody, I can't remember who it was. Um, bear in mind I was the eldest, I was 17 when I joined the band. I had my 18th birthday with them, but because I had no adults around me, my mum was always pissed up and or in the pub or whatever. Um, so I I was so grown up by myself anyway, and then we got Natasha, and I hated Natasha, I didn't like the word hate, didn't like Natasha at all. And they went, give it two weeks, and then I fell madly in love with Tash, and four weeks later we got a record deal.

SPEAKER_03:

So, so how long was the band together before you actually released an out release a song that people would know you were?

SPEAKER_04:

You know what it was? This is back in the day when bands and pop stars were proper pop stars, and you had to really graft and do all the shitty nightclubs and have the bottles through at your head and do all like the school gigs, and like we really, really grafted, and I enjoyed that bit. I enjoyed the climb, and then when I finally got the fame, I hated it, Matt. I despised it, especially out the three of us because I was a blonde one, the gobby one with the big tits. Like, we do a photo shoot with the son in leather cat suits, very famous picture of us in these cat suits, and I think we was up at four o'clock in the morning to go to do Disney Channel, and the paper was out. And me and Carl, our tour manager, I went, I'll go get the paper girls. And me and Carl went in. I picked it up. I went, Oh, for fuck's sake. He went, It's just you, innit? I went, Yeah, I'm not getting in the car. And then, like, we do SMTV and CDU K and we do chums and Connor McAnally, the producer, loved me and he always wanted to pick me to do it. I was like, I don't want it, you girls do it. And then I remember the first night I went out and was that causing big friction with him. Yeah, I think so. And then obviously I started dating Brian. So then it was all about me and Brian. So I understand that and I get that. And then when I fell pregnant with Molly, I just I just I just wanted to be a mummy. That's all I've ever wanted to be is be a mum. That's what I was born to be a mum, and I'm still learning today. You know, just because I've got five kids, you know, I'm I'm I'm still learning how to be a mum.

SPEAKER_03:

When you say all you wanted to be was a mum, uh since you since you were a kid.

SPEAKER_04:

I didn't want to be rich and famous, I wanted to be a mum and have a husband and the kids were. That's all I ever wanted since as young as I can remember, but I always knew I was gonna be famous.

SPEAKER_03:

But was and did you want to be a mum because you knew, I guess, how how badly you'd been treated as a kid that you wanted to go to.

SPEAKER_04:

I think what it was my dream was to have a family unit because I never had that, and it also took me a long time as well with the children regard to me keep getting married. That it took me to the age of 36 to realise that I was more than enough of my children. And I know my kids have got daddy issues. I I get that 100% because I've got daddy issues. I I've eventually got to meet my half-sisters and brothers when I was 28 because of the news at World Found him, knocked on the door and said, We're gonna run a story that your husband's cheated and he's got a daughter called Kerry and it's Kerry Katona. And she said, We buried him six months ago. How cruel is that? They did they didn't need to know that anyway. They help they welcome me with open arms, and I love them to bits, and they're they're my everything. But my dream was to be a mum and have a husband and have the kids, and obviously, Brian was my knight in shining armour. He took me from living with my mum to living in all these pubs and doing drugs and all that kind of shit to moving to an island, and I just wanted to be a stay-at-home mum, and I gave as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was like, I'm dumb, I just want to go. And Brian, typical Irish Catholic man, wife at home, raise the kids, and I was quite happy with that. Then I got bored.

SPEAKER_03:

So, how did you come to leave the band? And and also you left just before the kind of the real level of success.

SPEAKER_04:

So, whole again was my number one, it was my vocals, and so I left.

SPEAKER_03:

You never got to perform it. Yeah, I was so sorry, so you it wasn't.

SPEAKER_04:

So I was doing all the promotion for Hole Again when I left, okay, I I started bleeding, I was spotting, and the doctor said, Look, you need to rest because I was pregnant.

SPEAKER_03:

You didn't know you were pregnant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04:

I knew I was pregnant, but so I'm continuing working, and then when I started spotting and bleeding, I got rushed hospital, and Brian was like, Look, just leave. So I was actually going to take over Cat Dealy's place on SNTV. But then Connor was like, Look, it's not gonna look good, a teenager being pregnant. Well, I was 20, you know, to one of their famous boy band members. So I I just I just I didn't enjoy the fame, it was always about me and Brian, that wasn't fair on the girls, it kind of forgot about the music, and we were just about to get dropped, and we begged him to can we just release whole again. And it was originally spoken all the way through, it was originally me, but then all saints had never ever. Yeah, so we had to change it. So um yeah, and it we we did so much promotion. I I said, uh this is be my last song, I'm gonna leave. I'm pregnant, I wanna be a mum, and um yeah, and I I just left.

SPEAKER_03:

And there was there was no regrets when you when you did leave you.

SPEAKER_04:

You know, there was that for fuck's sake, you know what I mean? One more song. But no, but for me, I got I got my biggest number one, and that was my molly. I had my baby, and that's all I ever wanted. I wanted a husband and and and kids, and that has always been my dream. That that that was my dream, and I became a millionaire overnight, you know. I remember me and Brian when we went to buy our first house, like, oh my god, it's got a dishwasher. Oh my god, I can't believe it. I thought I was so rich. I was pup.

SPEAKER_03:

What was the money like for you in Atomic Kissing? Because I mean it wasn't.

SPEAKER_04:

It wasn't that great. I remember had I think I had£37,000 and I bought my mum a house with it before I moved to Ireland.

SPEAKER_03:

Because as as uh public yeah, we always hear that you know these big these big boy.

SPEAKER_04:

You get a wage, you get a wage, it's the sponsorships that where you get your money, and if you write the songs, that's where you get your money. I can't write for shit. Um I just stood there looking pretty to be honest. But um you get your PDs, your PDM, you know, you you get like pocket money, like£500 a week, and it's hard work. It's I mean, I remember we did a Southeast Asia tour, and all three of us end up in hospital on a drip.

SPEAKER_03:

Really? I mean you probably don't get a ch chance to spend any money anyway, do you?

SPEAKER_04:

Well, then you you get everything for free. It's so funny because money goes to money. So when Brian wanted me to move to Ireland, I bought my mum a house, kept it in my name, but because obviously back in England, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I just packed and I I moved to I moved to Dublin, which I still class as my second home, and I l I love Ireland so much. And I'm every time I go over there, the Irish adore me and I love them, and yeah, it it's really crazy because Molly and Lily have no recollect record like you've got more memories of me and Brian being together than my own kids. The first time Molly and Lily had us both in the same room was Molly's 21st. Really? That's quite sad. That's really sad, yeah. I didn't get maintenance money or anything like that. I just took the girls, I did it all by myself. Let me make that really clear. Everyone's like, oh, she's getting no, no, no, no. I signed a piece of paper, I got my kids, he went to Australia, that's all I wanted. I got half the money off the house, and that was it.

SPEAKER_03:

So and so prior to that, so when when you've you've left the band, you're with Brian, you're pregnant. Well, I mean, what what were you doing for work or money at that point?

SPEAKER_04:

No, I just stayed at home, I was I just became a housewife. Um I became one of the original Loose Women, and then I was a presenter, did lots of presenting. When I left Atomic Kitten, Molly was born. I did um I was a very much an ITV girl. I'm very much not that now. I don't think they'll ever have me back. Um so I did like a limitate, I did Britain Sexiest, I was doing a lot of presenting, loose women, uh, and then we had Lily, and then I got the offer to do the jungle, and life just after that was just changed. I don't think, yeah, Brian didn't want me doing it.

SPEAKER_03:

How long ago was the jungle? What year was that?

SPEAKER_04:

How old was Lily now? 19 years ago. She's 20.

SPEAKER_03:

Who was in when you were there?

SPEAKER_04:

Kate and Pete.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, was it that year or was it?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, I won. I was the first woman to win, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

Katie's been on the show actually.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, I love it. I was talking to sports Kate the other day. Oh really? Yeah. Crackers. Crackers.

SPEAKER_03:

What changed after that then? Was it was it l another another big look uh big jump of fame and work after you won the won the jungle?

SPEAKER_04:

Well, I think I was doing Elimidate, and that's when it came out um my first husband cheating on me, and that was just that was just devastating. That was the end of that was the end of the first marriage. He did it on his um stagdo. We got married in the January, and then in the April, I was in Barbados with Molly, my mum, and Marade filming this TV show, and then it came out he cheated and he paid a 15 grand to keep her mouth shut. I thought, fucking hell, I give him a blowjob. I want to get a new pair of shoes. It's not fair. And and that was the downfall of our of my first marriage, really. And we were very young, but we were we were scared for like seven years, but we were babies when we met each other, so that press attention wasn't really good, and it was never the same after that. And then I got pregnant with Lily. I was like, Don't even know I want to be with you, let alone have a baby. But we had Lily, which was amazing, and then I got off of the jungle. Brian didn't want me doing it, he said to make a show of myself, and I got Lou Welsh to convince him, and um, it wasn't him supposed to be flying out, he didn't want to do with it, and it was our Angela got rest of all she was flying out, and next thing you know, he was there. That was a February, and I've never experienced fame like that. Like you open the airport, the the the airplane doors, and me and Brian were just like, What the fuck? I remember sitting in the hotel room and Brian's like, it's actually like you're really the queen. Jeff McDonald news at 10. Oh, the queen of the jungles. I was like, This is fucked up. But Brian, I don't think Brian liked that. That all the press that I was getting because then it was like when Westlife would have like um a press conference, what's it like being married to Kerry? You know, and then that was in February, I think it was like two months after he left the band.

SPEAKER_03:

Right, he was still in the band at that point, yeah.

SPEAKER_04:

And then he said he wanted to leave, spend time with the kids, and me didn't see him straight in the studio, and it just wasn't working after that. And then in September, that's when he round me up and said he wanted a divorce. So that was that was so then I obviously had to leave England, Ireland to come back to England, and that's when the press and news of the world were just horrendous. So that was a massive trigger point for me of rejection and my kids from a broken home, and and then you go, you lie down with dogs, especially dirty dogs, you're gonna get fleas. And obviously, I went back home to my mum, back on the gear. That was my coping mechanism, and I was just I was having I was like, I have these two kids, I don't know what to do, and the the press it's like 40 paps outside your house every single day. It was insane.

SPEAKER_01:

Let me hit you with a mad stat. You are probably not subscribed. Seriously, 58% of the people who listen to this podcast every single week do not hit that subscribe button. That is more than half of you. So let's fix this right now. The goal here is super simple. We grow the podcast, we bring in bigger guests, and we give you even more no bullshit, actionable insights to level up your business and to level up your life. Now, in business, you set smart goals that's specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound. Well, here's one for you. Let's get that 58% down to well below 50% in the next three months. So please do me a quick favor. If this podcast has ever given you one good idea, one piece of advice that's helped you or helped your business, then hit that subscribe button. It takes a second, it costs nothing, and it means that I can keep bringing you even bigger and better guests, giving you even bigger and better insights. Go on, do it now. I'll wait. Done? Perfect. Great choice. Let's grow this together.

SPEAKER_03:

You say you got back on the gear, mate. Had you been completely off the drugs at that point? Yeah, completely. No, never even a bit of a party now and again.

SPEAKER_04:

I mean walking away from cocaines was never a problem. Giving up cigarettes was worse. So it wasn't so much an addiction, it was a coping mechanism for me. It was my it was my saviour. It it was that no one else was there for me. I felt like my mum was just a different level of fish. She wasn't a supportive person at all. So cocaine became my only friend, so to speak. It was the only thing that was really there for me. And I could say so much about other people, but that's not my story to tell. But I got so much shit for it, and but yeah, it was and I had many great nights on it, but it got to a certain point that it was a life I just didn't want. I remember sitting there with my mum when I was married to my second husband, I said, I just don't want to do this, I just don't want this anymore. And I packed my bags up. This is when I was with my second husband, moved down south and never looked back, and it's never bothered me. I can I can walk in a room and go, You're on it, you're on it, you're on it. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.

SPEAKER_03:

You talk about the the press being horrendous and you know the 40 paps and stuff. I mean, were you Did they turn on you then from you know Oh yeah, they put you on a pedestal, they'll do it with everyone, don't they?

SPEAKER_04:

They put you on this pedestal and then they want to bring you down. And uh I'm still convinced to this day that the news at World had um a headline saying, you know, Kerry's dead. Okay, because that that's the way I was going. I mean, I OD'd I'm Coke. I remember I felt like I died, and I remember coming back, and it was like there was these angels surround me, and they brought me back, and it was the most wonderful, and it sounds so wrong, but it was the most wonderful. I felt so loved, I thought my job's not done here yet. Because I will never ever harm myself and I'll never ever let my kids feel worthless the way my mum made me feel worthless. My kids know that I love them. I I am such an affectionate mum, and we'll have our ups and we'll have our downs, but they know I love them more than anything, and I take a bullet for them like that.

SPEAKER_03:

Were you uh do you want him?

SPEAKER_04:

Buy one, get four free. The house trained.

SPEAKER_03:

You'll swap them for that pink bag, won't you?

unknown:

Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03:

I've been waiting for the offer. I mean, were you ever uh part of the uh phone hacking and uh all that kind of stuff?

SPEAKER_04:

I'm I'm actually in a legal battle as we speak, so I can't really say much about that. But yeah, it was Prince William, Prince Harry, Carrie Katona. And I remember I went to uh that that was the news.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm sure it was more exciting to listen to your calls than it was to William and Harry's.

SPEAKER_04:

Well that at the time, yeah, it was huge. And I remember I went to this uh hacking party with Max Clifford at the time, and this lawyer came over and said, Um, Miss Katona, um Mr Grant would like a word with you. Hugh fucking Grant. Oh, yeah, of course I'll go over. And he was like, you know, how many pages have they got on you? And I was like, telling him how many. He's like, fucking hell. You know, so yeah, that that was that was horrendous. That for me, I've I never wanted I was suicidal. I wanted to die. You know, these people sat outside my house, my kids are going into school, the kids are coming home saying stuff that people saying to them in school, and I I just thought I'm better off dead. I'm better off dead. I was so low and so down that I had nowhere to turn, and it I was suicidal and I wanted to die. And when I I'm in the middle of a case at the minute, the same one that Harry's in at the moment. So I can't say too much about that, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_03:

We were recording this the day after uh Hugh Edwards has been announced uh as the uh as the the the mystery uh um TV presenter. Oh, I knew that weeks ago. Well yeah, no, but the for the rest of the public. I guess obviously it's now been announced that you know he's suffering uh d uh depression issues, mental health, etc. I mean, as as someone who's been uh obviously subjected to all this media intrusion, and what what do you think him and his family are going through right now?

SPEAKER_04:

Let me tell you something. When it came out about Philip Schofield, I had the shits for a week because it's not like it used to be, they're getting off quite lightly compared to how I I got it because they they have changed. But the when it came about Philip Schofield, my stomach I because I knew the impact that was that that attention from people is so awful it made me feel sick. But it was also a long time coming for me because I was so judged. I've shoved enough shit up my nose, matt. I've drank till Carl's come home. When I did that interview on this morning, that was pure bipolar medication. I've got no reason to fucking lie. I did drug tests, did alcoholic tests, nothing in my system, never done drugs on TV, never done drugs at work ever. That was pure bipolar medication. But the way I was treated by ITV, there was no aftercare, no nothing. They just wanted the headlines.

SPEAKER_02:

And it wasn't just ITV, but specifically Philip. Philip was uh I've got no qualms with Philip.

SPEAKER_04:

Me and Philip have kissed and made up. You know, I I I you know I've got what annoys me is the audacity and the phony and the fakeness of oh my life. You know, this is how you're supposed to live your life. I look after all these kids, I cook, I I got I'm a presenter, I do all this. They're all fucking fake. It's fake as shit, honestly. I have a nervous breakdown when I've got all fucking five kids at work at home, but they all pretend to be something they're not, and that's wrong, that's what's going on with society today. It's the same with social media, everybody wants to be somebody else. Why do you know what a happy being with you you are? Because everyone only shows you what they want you to see, not the downfalls, not your secrets. We had three lies you've got your public life, your private life, and your secret life, and I get that, and we're all entitled to it as well. But don't pretend to be something that you're not all high and fucking mighty, and then questioning somebody else about what they're going through when you're doing ten times worse and making you feel like shit. It the hypocrisy in it is just wrong. It angers me. Because no, I'm the most open and honest person you meet. It just everyone is so fake and phone in this TV industry, it's bullshit.

SPEAKER_03:

It's easy, maybe for someone like you and me to it's easy to think, well, I just want to be myself and get on with and get on with it.

SPEAKER_04:

But I well you can't because of society, because society puts you in a box. For instance, my only fans, right? So I get put in a box of oh my god, are those poor kids, they need to get put those kids in foster. What? Because of show better nipple. What about Nicole Kidman or uh Natalie Portman finger blasting herself in bleeding black swan? Oh, darling, then it's like, oh, let's give them millions, millions of pounds and awards. I don't do anything like that, but because I'm from a council estate and I'm not a thespian, you know, it's all I'm I'm selling a fantasy and they're selling the fantasy on the big screen. But because of where I'm from, I get put in a box. Who decides that? What? Because I show my tits. I go topples on the beach every fucking year with my kids building sand castles. So because I pose sexy rather than sitting like that, what's the difference? I'm in charge, I'm making the money. My kids got private education, but society do put you in a box and it really. Pisses me off. You look at I Twine Show and Nicole Kibben and Tom Cruise. Why is no one saying, take those kids off their nuts disgusting, they're dry riding, you know? I'm not doing that. Although I might do. Money's money at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_03:

Every time I have a question come into my mind, you take me off thinking about Natalie Portman getting fingered or you're on the beach.

SPEAKER_04:

But you see what I'm saying? You know, I before I did my OnlyFans, I sat my kids down and I said to them, This is what I'm going to do. But I started off as a patron model. I was a lap dancer, a fully new lap dancer. I own my shit and this is my body and I'll do with it what I want. And then people go, Well, we're entitled to that part of your life because you're selling that. No, you're fucking not. I sell what I want of my life because it's my life. If you show me a picture on your phone of, say, your kids, does that mean I'm entitled to take your phone off you and scroll for all your pictures? Does it?

unknown:

No.

SPEAKER_03:

Exactly. Don't even let the missus do that.

SPEAKER_04:

Exactly. So there you go. So it's like you know, and we live in such a weird, woke, cancel culture. You're scared of saying anything. Like, I'm scared of taking the piss out of bipolar, and I've got bipolar. In case I get cancelled, it's just a crazy world and it scares me.

SPEAKER_03:

I think as well though, for you know for the people that live these secrets, it's absolutely inevitable that things come out now. It's just impossible or not. And and I think you make a rod for your own back by having by keeping the secrets. And you know, I'm I'm not saying it's going to be easy to come out of them, but I don't know, if you're a TV presenter that, you know, is gay, then I think you know, if you could find a way to own it from day one, go, I'm great at my job, I like to suck a bit of dick when I'm at home, mind your own fucking business.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, but and also and I also understand and I appreciate how difficult it is coming to terms with something like that. It with the thing that's got a fill, this wasn't even about him being gay. You know, people forget he'd been cheating on his wife. It's the lies and that it was about to come out, and then to sit there with Holly and go, no, nothing's coming out. We are we all this has been going on for years, and it's just the hypocrisy of hypocritical people that just lie to you and think that the public are fucking stupid. I mean, I think the government is shit, I think it's all propaganda, you know, it's all about the Rothschilds and Rockefellers, they they they run the world. I'm a massive conspiracy theorist. Um, you know, I love my document. I love learning me, Matt. I love learning a lot of stuff because I've had to teach. I just think it's all full of shit. Unless I'm on the tally, then it's real. And that's normally crime watch.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, you've mentioned a few times through this uh through this conversation, OnlyFans. So I guess let's uh let's let's do it.

SPEAKER_04:

Plug it, plug it, plug it, plug it. No, I'm not giving you mate rate, Matt.

unknown:

I know you're on there.

SPEAKER_04:

I'm just gonna give it seven, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

I'm just gonna come and find you in Spain on the beach built building the send cancelled with your tint in it. Right, OnlyFans. How did it start?

SPEAKER_04:

Well, the first lockdown I got no work because I've had to pay my rent, and I had this uh beautiful uh it was actually a wedding present of my first husband, jukebox with all my Raj Stewart in it, my Roy Arbison, my Elvis, my country and Western, and uh I couldn't afford to pay the rent and I had to sell it. And then someone mentioned OnlyFans and I looked into it and I thought, shall I start doing that? Because I I I've done nuts, I've done FHM, done Zoo, I've done all those magazines. I thought, fuck it, so I sat the kids down. The only one who was really against it at first was our Lily, and then when the money started coming in, they all got the free iPads, and they was like, Mum, get it out. Um, but yeah, um we're a very open family anyway. Do you know what I mean? I have no privacy, I'll go to the toilet, the kids come in asking me what's for tea, and mum can have some money. I'm sat there having a shit. Like, kids, can you fuck off and leave me alone? You know, so um I was very open and honest with the children. But the thing is as well, it doesn't matter what I do, mate. My kids are always gonna get shit because I'm their mum. So it's like, well, why not just make money out of it? And our Heidi got a bit of shit and it upset her. These boys said something to her, so well, turn around and tell them to tell the dad to stop fucking subscribing and make sure I will do. And she did.

SPEAKER_03:

I mean you said you say when the money started to roll in as well. I mean, it's been reported that you're earning half a million quid a month from it. Is that is that true? Can you can you say?

SPEAKER_04:

No, not half a million quid a month. I wish it was. But the first month I made 170. But I'm going in the millions now. That's what I'm up to.

SPEAKER_03:

In the millions collectively.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, yeah. So I'm doing all right.

SPEAKER_03:

And and how how how do you promote it? How do people find out about it? On my Instagram.

SPEAKER_04:

Like this, I've promoted it on the TV. For me, it it's I've been able to invest in myself. For me, it doesn't matter your house, I've been on every side of the coin you can think of. I went from having nothing to getting my clothes, off a car boot sale with my nan, going on the rob with my mum. That's how ski. I remember being nine years of age and it was Christmas. We just got moved from a refuge into a new house. Well, it wasn't a new house, like, but we got rehomed. And it was Christmas morning, and we had no decorations, and the people from the refuge knocked on Christmas morning with a bing bag of second-hand stuff. Like, you know, like a love heart smell thing you just put in liquor drawer, they don't do them anymore. And you know, corned beef and uh bread, and I was so eternally grateful. And then I became a millionaire overnight, and then split up with Brian. Then I got the Iceland deal, then I had my own reality show, became a millionaire again, gone, lost a lot, got a little bit back, went back into bankruptcy, become a millionaire again. I don't know anybody who's done that. I'm a grafter and I will work and continue to work my ass off because of those those kids.

SPEAKER_03:

Have you learned any lessons from losing the money?

SPEAKER_04:

The one thing I've learned is the only thing money doesn't make you happy, it just gives you options. For me, I've been on every side of the coin you can think of, and what I like about the money it's the options it gives me, is to create these amazing adventures with my kids because it's the memories that you create with your family. That is all you're gonna take with you to the grave, not your latest fucking Gucci bag or the cars or the house you live in. I can't take it. I want to make sure that I've created great adventures with the children, and you know, and then Chris, oh do you remember when we did that? Do you remember when we did that? And that is what I like to do, and that's why I do what I do for the kids.

SPEAKER_03:

But do you think you're too much of a reckless spender?

SPEAKER_04:

No, not anymore. I don't very buy anything. I put weight on and lose it. I'm up and down that much, I've got a massive wardrobe, but sometimes I put weight on, I've got a new wardrobe again because I don't work for ages, then I lose weight, and I've got that wardrobe there because I lost weight again. But no, I'm not. I was never a reckless spender. I I could afford to buy, I could put all the coke up my nose, I could buy all the cars I wanted. My accountant stole my money. David McHugh, Google him. He got sent down for it, but people all just think, ah, she she it was Mark, it was Mark did I was with Cutes Bank and I was signed, I was on that much medication, I was signing blank cheques to Mark Croft. And I remember Yeah, my second husband, who was my mum's drug dealer, that's how I met him. I remember Max Clifford ringing me up and saying, Kerry, you're gone into bankruptcy. I said, What? I didn't even know what bankruptcy was. What are you talking about? Minted. He went, You owe a tax bill of£86,000, which was pennies to me. I was earning over half a million a year. It was nothing. I've gone and checked the bank and it's all gone. And I've gone around to my accountant's house, I've kicked his door down, I've jumped on him, I've threw hot coffee, point shimmer got arrested, got through in the cells. I went, please raid him. Anyway, they raided him, and in his ceiling, there was a big box and it had all these checkbooks from different accounts and different banks, and then company's house, KK Media, KK Hyde, all nothing to do with it.

SPEAKER_03:

Was it just you or was he robbing other clients?

SPEAKER_04:

We did other other clients. I was the only celebrity one that he did. He got, I think he did seven years for it, but your money's gone, you don't get it back. So that's how I lost my bankruptcy. That's that's where I lost my money. And best thing that ever happened, because you see all those little hangers on, all just disappeared. And now I can count on one hand, maybe three hands, three fingers, how many people are actually in my life now. I don't need new friends, I don't I've got Ryan, the kids the kids are my best mates, that's it, and Dor, my friend, and that that that's all I need.

SPEAKER_03:

You you've mentioned Max Clifford a few times, and it uh it was a my son's named after Max.

SPEAKER_04:

Max gave me away when I married uh Mark Cross.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh really? I mean, it was was he was he a very influential person in your life?

SPEAKER_04:

Max was like my dad. I love Max a bit, and when I found out what he did was horrendous, and I I can't I can only tell my truth and me and Max would have our arguments. I'm probably the only person who could call him a cunt and get away with it because I'm a fiery person myself, I take no bullshit either. And I think that's why Max loved me. But when I watched a documentary back, it you know, it was vile, so it was very conflict conflicting feelings because Max would give me a hug and I'd feel completely safe. Like me, Molly, Lily, we'd all go on a private jet, we'd go to Mar Bayer, and I've always felt comfortable he's never inappropriate with me whatsoever. But that doesn't mean what he did to other people, you know. He well, I think he'd know I'd fucking knock him out anyway if you tried that with me. But yeah, um, that was awful what he'd done. Awful what he'd done to those girls.

SPEAKER_03:

Just going back to going back to OnlyFans.

SPEAKER_04:

You're desperate for a discount, aren't you?

SPEAKER_03:

I'm just gonna ask to look at your photo and scroll through your phone. I mean you've you've mentioned you've got some celebrity subscribers. Um any anyone you can tell us about? No. No, no, and um I mean I mean what what would what would you say if if the kid if the kids wanted to go on to our?

SPEAKER_04:

What could I say? Obviously, it's not something I want them to do, but what could I say? All I can do is guide them. You know, Molly's 22, Lily's 20. I highly doubt them two would ever do anything like that. Um they they're really tough cookies, my kids, really tough cookies, very well mannered, they're great kids. I've done a bloody good job, and I I did it, I raised my children. Um they do me bastard heading, but you know, if that's something they wanted to do, then what what what what could I what could I do? I couldn't do anything apart from just prob possibly guide them and try and make them do something else instead of that, but what I I I can't do anything about it. They they've got to be their own people. All I can do is that they've grown up now, that I've guided them, they they're they're grown-ups, they they know right from wrong, they they can make their own minds up and their own decisions, and you know, I'm still learning as a mum. I um, you know, it's it's every day somewhat different. My son's just been diagnosed with ADHD, you know. We've had to pull him out of school. That's been heartbreaking to deal with. I've got five kids, five different personalities, five completely different needs and wants.

SPEAKER_03:

What you're doing with them now you've pulled them out of school would be.

SPEAKER_04:

I just put them in a cage understairs. Social services. So no, he's been he's a well, so we got in touch with the council and they found like this college where he can go and do um like one day a week because he wants to be an apprentice, he wants to work in building. So luckily, um he is 15. So his um my partner's dad, they own their own family building business, so something wants to look into construction.

SPEAKER_03:

Max won't come into this industry, and you mentioned you mentioned your partner, Ryan, I think it's called, yeah. So this is um so you've been married three times.

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, divorced twice, widowed once.

SPEAKER_03:

And I mean, is it gonna be wedding number four?

SPEAKER_04:

Oh fuck no. I don't know. We've been together for five years. Now I'm at this point. I've popped a few sprogs out, and I'm talking to divorce lawyers at this point.

SPEAKER_03:

There are gonna be no more kids.

SPEAKER_04:

Definitely no more kids, 100% no more kids. Ryan has no biological children of his own. He does want to adopt DJ. DJ wants Ryan to adopt her.

SPEAKER_03:

How old is Ryan?

SPEAKER_04:

He's eight years younger than me. So uh yeah, he's an amazing stepdad. You know, I would not be able to do my work if it wasn't for him. He's a stay-at-home dad, but we are business partners as well. So we have Marnie, our own dating site, we've got MFIT, which is our fitness site. We've just opened a new one called Dedicated, which is exclusive like travel, security, um, Rolexes, all that kind of stuff. Um, we're also looking into the banking game as well. So, yeah, we it it's difficult sometimes with me and him to wear different hats and forget sometimes we forget that we're engaged to each other as well. But we might just go off to Vegas in November and just do it. I think if we do, we'd just we'll just go out, just me, Ryan and the kids and just and get by Elvis, that's it, and then go Benihanners afterwards in Vegas, because I love Benny Hanners, but yeah. Because I also think if anything was to happen to me, I know especially the younger three, Max Heidi and DJ, you know that they've got Ryan. You know, Molly and Lily've got their Irish side, whereas Max Heidi and DJ, they've only got me. You know what I mean? I'm Ryan. So I think by getting married, if anything was to happen, it'd be a lot easier.

SPEAKER_03:

You've had a recent scolosis diagnosis. Scoliosis, yeah. That was that was why you were you were putting your legs up showing me your fancy trainers.

SPEAKER_04:

I have to keep moving, but I I'm alright at the minute to be honest with you. Um, not too bad. It's just the drive. Yeah, so I've I've lived with chronic pain for years and years and years, but I'm such a workaholic.

SPEAKER_03:

What kind of chronic like like back pain?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, I mean I've been on I've been on painkillers for eight years, I've been on Travadol and Progabolin for eight years because of my pain, but they they barely touch me anymore. And it got to a point I just got off tour and I was in a different bed driving myself. Yes, I've got the nice Urus with the massage seats, but when you travel in the country and the pain was so bad I couldn't even get out of bed, and I finally went and got it checked because I just think, oh I'll carry on, I'll carry on, I'll carry on. I've got work, got work, and yeah, so I've got scoliosis, I've just been for a full-body MRI as well because I think I've got arthritis and hips as well. But I don't I I love my mum, but I don't want to be my mum. My mum's 63 and looks two days older than God and can barely move. You know, I want to be around for as long as possible for my children, and I want to be the best version I can be of myself, so I want to be fit and healthy.

SPEAKER_03:

What's the ongoing impact of scalosis? Does it get worse? Because it's it's for people who listen, it's a twisting of the scroll.

SPEAKER_04:

So, yeah, so I have no curvature. So you know how you there's no curvature in my back.

SPEAKER_03:

So this this was that were you thought you were just sticking, I thought you were sticking your chest now.

SPEAKER_04:

Well, I'll go um so this this bone here is supposed to go that way, mine goes the opposite way, and then it started twisting at my neck and it's twisted at the bottom of my spine. So it is really, really painful. I've had two breast reductions thinking that might help.

SPEAKER_03:

Is it is it so is it something you're born with that gets progressively rushed?

SPEAKER_04:

I have no idea. I I've just had chronic pain. I remember I was 19 and I fractured my coctic and I couldn't walk for six weeks. I remember Brian having to carry me to the toilet. That's how bad it was. But I it I've always had pain, but I've just because I've lived with pain every day, I'm so used to it. I've just never I never go get myself checked out. I never but I thought I can't carry on like this anymore, so I've got the diagnosis. So no, it's just a matter of I'm at the doctor's three times a week to constantly keep getting treatment, and it's something you've got to live with.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, what's the treatment like physio massage?

SPEAKER_04:

Physio and chiropractor massages, yeah, but it's something that you're you're always gonna get. But as the kids, these just days I'm like, oh my god, my fucking back, I'm in so much pain, I'm in so much pain. I'll get a phone call for work, right? Okay, I'm off, you know. So that that's how I've always been. I'm I never I'm quite fit and healthy. I eat the right foods, very, very rarely drink, I exercise, but I don't if I've got an issue or a problem, I don't look after it because I just go to work and just try and crack on and just carry on. But it got to a point that I couldn't do it anymore. So I've actually took quite a bit of time off work. Like I had a tour coming up called Carry No Regrets, so I pulled the tour, postponed.

SPEAKER_03:

Or was that like a speaking tour?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, it was just after my third book, Whole Again, um, which was very much about my third husband and the abuse and things like that. Yeah, so my third husband, George, who announces was 14, was really abusive.

SPEAKER_03:

Is he the one that passed away?

SPEAKER_04:

Yeah, so that's DJ's dad. Right. So um he battered me, black my eyes. He was inside for six years for cutting people's toes off, and that was a turn-on for me. That was that was how I was brought. They they were the men I was surrounded by as a kid, and I thought I could change, change George, but it was just his anniversary of four years of him being dead, and then I was supposed to go and do the gig on the Friday, and I just mentally I couldn't do it, and I was in pain with my back, so I just thought I just because I want to be a motivational speaker, I want to go into prisons, I want to help as many people as I can by telling my story and that giving them hope that you can't get through it all. Sometimes all this guilt and worry, and it's be like it's like being on a rocking chair and going back and forth, it's getting you nowhere. It's how you deal with those issues, but I knew I wasn't mentally prepared to sit on a stage for 80-90 minutes talking about the abuse because it it I just finished doing the audiobook, I just finished doing the book, and then the paperback came out, and then it was his anniversary, and I thought I haven't mentally and I I don't feel I've dealt with the trauma because it still gives me fear, so I just didn't think I was ready for it, so I postponed it because I wanted to make sure that my mental health and my physical health is at the best that when I do go and do it that that it'll be amazing.

SPEAKER_03:

How old's DJ now?

SPEAKER_04:

She's nine.

SPEAKER_03:

And and and where's does she ask questions? Does she've only ever known Ryan?

SPEAKER_04:

So she was five when her dad died, but she was four when I was dating when Ryan came into her life, but she hadn't seen her dad for a year.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh, so so um he didn't die when you were together, you split up.

SPEAKER_04:

We split up, but we were still married. He refused to marry me. He refused to divorce me, sorry. So yeah, so George was a very, very disturbed I could spit in my face, and DJ started spitting in my face, so she didn't know any different. Um and then he he was he was he was really, really troubled. Really troubled man, but we known each other since we were 14, and I loved him so much. But it was very it's really weird because I remember saying at something I'll never forgive myself with my girls, they never witnessed anything, they've never seen anything, but they saw the black eyes, and that's something I'm struggling with to forgive myself for bringing him into their lives because of trauma he's caused to them as well.

SPEAKER_03:

And tell me, I mean, obviously you say you've known for a long time and and the world you were in, those kind of things were a turn onto you back then. Obviously, not having experience.

SPEAKER_04:

If I met Ryan ten years ago, I'd have been bored to tears.

SPEAKER_03:

So so I guess you you're kind of answering the opposite question. If you got with a guy now who never, no, there'll be no dumb on day one.

SPEAKER_04:

I still get scared talking about George and it's so and I'm so angry that he died and just left because he he wanted to kidnap DJ, inject her with heroin, then kill her, and then kill himself. And then you got like that fucking father, so justice saying, Oh, you're it's like you have no idea what we went through. That man, my kids will tell you that it's been uh horrendous.

SPEAKER_03:

How was he with the older kid? Like when he's beating you up, what was he doing with the older kids?

SPEAKER_04:

They didn't say they heard, they heard that's something I'll never forgive myself.

SPEAKER_03:

He was never abusive to them.

SPEAKER_04:

No, he was mean with his vocals and his verbal abuse, especially with Marley. And that is something I and that's why I believe Marley went to Ireland with an granddad, and I don't blame her. And that's the best thing she could have done, and that's something I've got to forgive myself for. But it has happened, and we've all just got to move on from it. My kids ring me every day. I've got got Lily moved out this year, she's 20, she's moved back down south with her mates, and and I've just got the other three at home, so give it more time, they'll be gone thankfully. I'm joking, but yeah, I mean I I have made many mistakes, and I think my my biggest mistakes are the ones where I failed my own children. That's something but I am the most loving mum and hands-on with them, and I brought them up because I know you know Brian never went to Parents' Evening, never went to Sports Day. I know that's affected them. You know, I know he's a great dad now with Ruby, and that's amazing, but I know that affects my Molly and Lily, and that kills me. Mark Croft has nothing to do with Max and Heidi. That kills me. So when I split up with George, like they all called George dad, even in front of Brian. He wanted to speak to DJ, and I went, Max and Heidi were asking when they can see you, and this was the cruelest thing he ever did. He went, they're not my kids, I'm only interested in DJ DJ. That killed me. And to this day that still upsets me because he just did that to hurt me, and they just wanted to because as far as they're concerned, he was their dad. But DJ has DJ's memory is just like she has no recollection before. I talk about a dad, but she gets a bit funny about it, but I've never hide the facts of who a dad is or anything like that.

SPEAKER_03:

When when she gets when she gets older, old enough to ask and understand, you'll you'll be you'll be on the show.

SPEAKER_04:

She asked me now, yeah, but she she know she does know a lot. Um we're a very open and honest family. My kids know all about my drugs. I've even mentioned it in front of DJ because kids are very cruel. And it's like really weird, like Max and Heidi, they came home and said, Oh, your mum's a coke. They're talking about 20 years ago, 15 years ago, last time I touched drugs. And it's like, how do they know that? Because their parents tell them. And then they come into school, so I'd rather my kids hear it off me. Yeah, I've made mistakes. Look, look, let's set let's set the parents, let's set kids off parents of all the parents who've done coke at a weekend. Half of the fucking country won't have the kids. Yeah, I've been clean. What is it? How old is Max? 14 years. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Like, it was more the people you hang around with. You've got to look to your left and look to your right, and they're the people who you're eventually going to become like. And I had to cut a lot of people out of my life, so for me, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I very rarely drink. Yeah, but Ryan is an amazing, amazing stepdad. And I think like in school, like everyone calls him her dad. So yeah, so we're gonna go down the uh adoption route.

SPEAKER_03:

Cool, exciting. But I know back in 2007 you had the you were kidnapped uh uh kidnapped, held held held hospital at home at home. Talk to me about that.

SPEAKER_04:

That was horrendous. That was that so because of what I'd been through as a child, like this was like I can't go through this again, surely. So it was three mass men with balaclavas.

SPEAKER_03:

But just I mean, we were in bed, we were in the house.

SPEAKER_04:

I was in Wimslow, was downstairs in the cinema room. Our hide was five weeks old. Molly and Lily had just gone to Ireland for the summer holidays with Marade and Brendan. These three blokes came down, I had a massive house mansion in Wimslow, and they had balaclavas on, one had a butcher's hook, a sledgehammer, and a carving knife, and they made me get undressed, took me top off. It was horrendous.

SPEAKER_03:

How did they get in?

SPEAKER_04:

Uh the side door of the garage. Oh, okay, so and I think Mark Croft had something to do with it.

SPEAKER_03:

Were you with him at the time? Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04:

But then I had a nervous breakdown, and then I had to go to um because it it triggered memories, because I I have a fear of knives because I Dave we said he was Freddie Krueger and he was gonna chop us up. So I have a fear being faster home. And so I went in the priory because it I was so shook up. And every time I was in the priory, people also have to think it's drugs, and it isn't. I had bipolar, so as well, I'm always always there for trial and error medication as well. And uh I went there because I was traumatized, and I said to Marie, we might look after the children. I was in there for two weeks, getting therapy, came out, and Marie refused to give me my kids back, so I eventually took her to court and got my kids back anyway. But uh it was horrendous, or because I got held hostage, it was my fault.

SPEAKER_03:

He was in the house, but it was Mark there as well.

SPEAKER_04:

It was just me, Mark, and Heidi. Heidi was five weeks old, and Molly and Lily was in Dublin, thank God. And then afterwards I found a book saying how to burgle your own house.

SPEAKER_00:

Really?

SPEAKER_04:

With Mark because Mark did the cocaine, yeah. Mark did the cocaine video as well.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_04:

So yeah, he sent me up good and proper. But what a story to tell, eh, Mark! It's been a colourful life.

SPEAKER_03:

How big is the book of how to rub your own house?

SPEAKER_04:

I don't know how big it was, but I remember getting I found it, my friend Debbie was like, I'm telling you, it was Mark, it was Mark, he was in on it. And it it was just I was almost like a cash cow for everybody. I understand as an ATM and I was so desperate to buy everybody's love. And like when I won the jungle all that, all I've ever wanted to be is loved. That's all I've ever wanted is to be loved. That that that and I think my longest relationship I've ever had has been with the press. It's been like an abusive marriage. We've had our highs and our lows, but I need the press and they need me. So it you know, I can't complain about it anymore. I've learned how to deal with it, and I I use it to my own advantage now. It took me long to like I'll do my own pap pictures, no shame in doing that. Why should I let another pap get a picture of me and they make the money when it's my face? Hmm. I ain't got a minute. I'll tell you what, me and you will go halves. Well, we don't get more than that. Me and you take a picture so no one else gets it, and I'll make my own money. I've got kids to feed, so I have no shame in saying, yeah, do my own pap picture. You won't get anyone else saying that. But yeah, business is business at the end of the day. Someone's got to take a picture, let me get someone else to do it so I get the money.

SPEAKER_03:

And you you m you mentioned your stage in the priory. I mean, what what what's what's it like in there?

SPEAKER_04:

Oh the priory was shite. So the first time I went to the priory was because of my I had a breakdown after Brian left me. And uh I was with James Grant at the time. There was me, I I had the same management as Ant and Deck and Phillips Schofield. And I I just I remember seeing Brian in a hotel, and I don't know if he was a Delta Good, I just had a breakdown. I I I was devastated, and I was, I was absolutely devastated, and that was a massive trigger for you know coming back home and then just being with all these deadheads, really, and they couldn't treat me because my profile at the time was so high that they um had to send me to Arizona for six weeks to America. So Cottonwood, so I went to America for six weeks, and I remember thinking, oh my god, I can't believe I had Molly and Lily. I thought, I I can't believe I've got this law and this is where I am. But I completely misjudged rehab because I'd never been before. I thought it was full of smackheads. It's not like that in the slightest. It's people with you know, codependency issues, self-harm, eating disorder, sex addiction, gambling, mental health issues. It was so much bigger than that, and I couldn't believe the amount there was like a judge in there, like a high-ranking judge. And there was these really I like really well-to-do posh people at these really high mighty jobs, and I was gobsmacked because I was from a really shitty council estate. I thought uh uh I'm a low life now. But when I went into it, it really opened my eyes, and I will never judge anybody because I judge think I judge myself thinking, oh my god, this I must be like a little scumbag. But that wasn't the case at all. I was just mentally struggling, and cocaine just became a friend to help me cope with it. But and then you have to your appreciations and your disadvantages for it, and you know, it's something I had to get rid of. It was never like I got up every day, I was like, Oh, I need to get coke. I was a binger, I was I was a bit like once I started, I couldn't stop really. So, like Friday's a Sunday, and I had many great times, I'm not gonna lie, but it got to a point that I was using it for the wrong reasons. Not that anyone should ever use cocaine because it's a devil's dandruff and it will ruin your life.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, listen, it has been a wild hour or so. It's been it's been a good conversation.

SPEAKER_04:

It has.

SPEAKER_03:

You've got many, many stories to tell.

SPEAKER_04:

We've got so much more, but we haven't got time. Buy the book.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, we'll we'll do we'll do a round two to f to finish off on the stories we've not done, and uh I'm sure if we pick up in five or ten years' time, uh Well, there you go.

SPEAKER_04:

I'm sure something completely different. Probably only 50 votes or something by then. Hey, you've got to be no romantic, haven't you?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, listen, I look forward to uh to watching the uh the pictures of the uh the Vegas wedding in the press.

SPEAKER_04:

Well they well, I'll say hey, if I want to sell that, I'll sell it.

SPEAKER_03:

Kerry, thanks for coming.

SPEAKER_04:

Oh, thank you for having me, Matt. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Thanks, guys.

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Matt Haycox

Host

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